Home[work] for the Holidays
When I wrote about my family’s Thanksgiving gathering a few weeks ago, I failed to mention that I used schoolwork as an excuse to avoid uncomfortable conversations with my family. At any inkling of biological clock ticking pressure or conversation around politics, I immediately retreated to the office or to the kitchen (glass of wine in hand) where I proceeded to wash the dishes for all fifteen guests. When my sister-in-law tried to intervene by taking the dishrag away from me I confronted her guilt head on: “I am not washing these dishes to be nice. I am washing them to avoid the conversation in the other room.” Her reply: “Well in that case, have at it!” and she handed the sponge right back to me.
I bring up this story for two reasons – a.) you may be able to use your job search process or networking efforts as a family avoidance tactic in the coming week, in which case I will provide you with some homework to make it easy on you and b.) I went to a Difficult Conversations-themed Lunch & Learn last week (sponsored by my university’s HR department) and even though I will not be seeing my family this week, there is no reason you shouldn’t benefit from what I learned. Perhaps I can even use some of it next Thanksgiving instead of being Cinderella!
Holiday Homework
1. Let’s start with the homework. Regardless of where you are with your job search process, the holidays are a great time to re-connect with your network of contacts. If you have the mental stamina to write holiday cards to everyone in your network, more power to you. (My husband and I are producing a video – stay tuned for it in the coming weeks). For the rest of us slackers, email communications are just fine. Let people know where you are in your profession and if applicable, that you would like to make a plan to meet up for coffee or lunch in the New Year. Keep in mind that people are in a giving mood this time of year – use it!
2. I also think this is a good opportunity to set up search agents on the big job search engines as well as smaller ones particular to your field or industry of interest. Even if you’re not looking, it’s still a good idea to know what is out there at all times as well as who is hiring. While you’re at it, cruise the websites of organizations of interest and see what positions they have posted. The holidays are a time of job transition, meaning if you are thinking about making a move, others probably are too. Expect to see more job postings in the coming months.
3. Last, but certainly not least, use this time to enhance your LinkedIn profile and your on-line brand. See my People who need People blog entry for some quick LinkedIn tips. Think about creating a Twitter account if you don’t already have one to follow companies or organizations of interest. If you are putting yourself out there, you will eventually get noticed!
Difficult Conversations
Increase objectivity and resourcefulness by writing things down: Our speaker (Jeff) asked us to write down the top five stimuli in our lives that create stress and reactivity. Then, he asked us if we felt better after we did so. I am pretty sure I let out a sigh of relief! Jeff shared that when you write things down, you break the bubble of denial and add one more degree of objectivity to the situation at hand. We separate emotional from cognitive processing and then we arrive at better and more objective decisions. Translation: write down what makes you crazy about your family/colleagues/friends etc. and then start to think about how to approach your next conversation.
Manage your response to stimuli by being proactive rather than reactive: Raise your hand if you ever were so angered by an email, voice mail, or offhand comment that you immediately fired back a nasty retort. I’ll bet a lot of you raised your hands. Guilty as charged here too since I grew up in a household where speaking before internalizing was commonplace. Translation: The next time you get fired up about something, stop, take a deep breath, and try to focus on the intent of the messenger. My high school U.S. history teacher used to have these signs all over the drab walls of his classroom that read, “it’s the Message, not the Method.” Although he was trying to get us to see past his dry lectures, here the point is that we get lost in the tone of a message even if the message itself or the intent are legitimate and positive. Stated simply, most people will not intentionally try to upset you. Look for the deeper meaning and give them the benefit of the doubt before jumping all over their case.
Don’t Be a Victim – Clarify Intent: Asking questions is the best way to understand the intent behind someone’s comments. It is easy to say that your Aunt Jane is a nightmare and it’s just easier to ignore everything that comes out of her mouth (since it’s always in a nasty tone anyway). Since you have already assigned a negative intent to her, you will likely approach her by going on the defensive. For a change, try using diagnostic language and seek to clarify the intentions of your relatives, i.e. seek to understand before seeking to be understood. You cannot change others’ behavior, but you can influence relationships and outcomes.
Final Tips for Difficult Conversations
1. Speak face to face and privately (if possible)
2. Assume the best in others (this is really hard, but you should try)
3. Use tentative (rather than accusatory) language
4. Share facts, not conclusions
5. Ask your conversation partner for his or her point of view
6. Treat this individual as you would treat your other colleagues/family members
Career Blunder: Since we are short on space here, I will remind you of a former career blunder of my own. This time last year, I was ready for professional change. I used every spare moment to focus on my job search and networking. I was embarrassed and astounded to see old messages from networking contacts in LinkedIn from two years prior (to which I had not responded)! Please don’t let this be you and please learn from my mistake. Keep those networks as warm as the stockings by your fire, lights on your menorah, or [insert your own warm, fuzzy holiday memory here].
Happy Holidays and Happy Job Searching too!
I’m Just a Girl who Can’t Say No
I heard this tune from the musical, Oklahoma, on the radio this week, just in time for my debut on Campus Calm, a website where my blog entries will be featured once a month along with my bio and designation as a “career planning expert”. Campus Calm™ helps student leaders become resilient to combat high school and college student stress, and is led by former college perfectionist turned author, speaker and change-maker, Maria Pascucci. She has a great story and message she that shares with high school and college students alike via speaking engagements, a website rich with resources and contacts, and her book, Campus Calm University. We were recently connected through a mutual friend, and I am delighted to have the opportunity to share my thoughts and experiences with her audience.
I will leave the anxiety reduction advice to Maria and her panel of experts. However, I will share a few tips of my own related to gaining focus while in college. I still struggle with “saying no” as evidenced by my recent posts to not one, but two elected officer roles in my MBA program. Once a Type A personality, always a Type A personality, I suppose. That said, keeping the following three areas of focus in my life has certainly reduced the amount of stress I experienced as an undergraduate and now as an adult. Happy reading!
Focus on Your Body
I am embarrassed to tell you that it took me 29 years (until I started studying for the GMAT), to realize that sugar makes me sleepy. Why does it take us so long to come to the realization that we are what we eat? I was so busy during undergrad (I laugh about this now that I am going to school, working full-time, and trying to build my career coaching brand) that I ate whatever was placed in front of me, especially if it was free. It is amazing that I didn’t weigh 300 pounds and perpetually smell of marinara sauce from all the free pizza I ate. In all honestly, if you can establish a regular workout routine (i.e. not just go to Buck-i-robics when you have a cute new work out shirt or when your friends are going like I did) and ingest fruits and vegetables more often than selecting from the wider assortment of processed options, you will feel SO much better and be more focused in class and in other elements of your life.
Focus on Relationships and Experiences 
My biggest regret from college is not studying abroad. My second biggest regret is not taking the time to really get to know my professors. I have learned the importance of both now that I am back in graduate school, but I can’t go back and relive my undergraduate career. Between chasing boys and running for president of everything, I didn’t have much time left for paying attention in class, much less making an effort to get to know my professors on a personal and professional level. I did, however, visit their office hours enough for them to know that I was trying and to give me the benefit of the doubt when my grade was on the border (I wholeheartedly believe professors grade more subjectively when they know you are making an effort). For the record, I somehow eked out with a 3.6. College is about so much more than getting a degree and getting a job. Even if you are a transfer or non-traditional student, seek out opportunities where your schedule permits to take advantage of the vast network of resources your institution has to offer. You probably won’t remember quadratic equations, but you can establish meaningful life-long relationships and a portfolio of experiences, which will contribute to your long-term growth and development.
Focus on Your Future
I was actively involved in student organizations in high school and in college…so much so that I felt compelled to run for an office in every organization I joined. It certainly didn’t help that in college I detested one of my freshman suitemates so much that I spent all of my time (other than when I was sleeping or showering) at the library studying or at student organization meetings and events. It did help my GPA and my resume, but definitely not my level of stress! I continued to remain involved in numerous organizations…but eventually got smart by the time my senior year rolled around and focused on three that I most enjoyed and were applicable to career paths I was considering. I would encourage you to limit your extra-curricular involvement (as a college student or as an adult) to those organizations from which you derive the most fulfillment and enjoyment. Your time is precious. So long as you are intrinsically motived to make a difference, prospective employers and graduate school admissions folks will see the transferrable skill set you developed.
Involvement Blunder: As much as I hate to admit it, I really want to be liked. While I believe that I possess a healthy level of self-confidence, it still really gets my goat when someone doesn’t like me. This desire to be liked combined with my naiveté with regard to new technology called email in the 90s, got me into big trouble during my sophomore year of college.
While serving as President of an organization, I developed an unfounded misgiving that one of the other officers (let’s call her Katie) had something against me (for the record, she ran against me for President and ever since the election I felt like she questioned my every move). Taking on the role of [insert your favorite derogatory adjective here] college female, I forwarded an ambiguous email message from her to my Vice-President (or so I thought), noting my contempt for Katie and her questioning ways.
Fast forward to 24 hours later (since this was WAY before we had mobile devices allowing us to check email on demand). I received an email back from Katie asking what I meant by my message. Bad news – I had hit reply instead of forward!!! I spent the next three years making up for my blunder as our paths continued to cross. A campus of 36,000 undergraduates suddenly seemed very small.
Secondary Moral of the Story: ALWAYS check the To field in your emails before sending and wait to complete the field until your message is complete, if possible. Primary Moral of the Story: When we read too much into messaging in life and in work it adds unnecessary stress and takes energy away from our areas of focus. Take communications from fellow students or colleagues at face value until you receive more information. In this case, Katie was just trying to do what was best for the organization, not trying to undermine my authority!